Thursday, September 4th, 2014. Day 3 Hamilton

Oh. My. Glob. You guys.

Today, I had my first radiation treatment. 

I'd been telling people about how this works for some time now, but I hadn't stressed properly a specific aspect, because, honestly, I hadn't really processed the ramifications of said aspect. Total body electron beam radiation is just that: total body. For it to be effective, you have to be naked. 

And I mean naked.

Literally, balls out, naked.

The temperature of the room, for those now considering the more slinkyish aspects of the male anatomy, was quite pleasant.

All I was dressed in for the treatment was a set of interestingly placed dosimeters (we'll get to that), some styrofoam blocks (we'll get to that, too), and pair of lead lined swimming goggles (to protect my eyes, get to that), and some little blue booties, of the sort that I used to wear on my foot when I was on crutches for a good chunk of two-thousand and ten.

Let's backtrack a little, first, to set the scene properly.

My treatments are all of the afternoon variety, and about forty-five minutes ahead of time, the on-duty nurse at the Lakeview Lodge, where I am staying, has to call down to the Juravinski Centre's porters, to come pick me up in a wheelchair. I didn't really need pickup today, but I likely will in the future. They pick you up to limit the amount of walking you, as a patient, are doing, so that you can, "save your walking for pleasure". Direct quote from the patient manual. This is in large part because of what getting this sort of radiation does to your capillaries (in the short term), and how that reflects on your body's ability to move fluids around. The diminished capillary function results in extremity-based edema, or the collection of fluids. Short version: walking too much makes your hands and feet swell up. That's bad. It's also because some people can't handle their rads, and need help coming back to the Lodge. Wusses.

My porter arrived, a very nice young woman, and she conveyed me to my irradiative destination, where I sat for perhaps five minutes, before Deb arrived - Deb is super efficient and everywhere at once. She (Deb) gave me a quick run down of what to do, sent me off into the change room to grab my gowns, plural, one front and one back, and my little blue booties. Honestly, I don't even know why they bothered with that step, given what came next, unless it is only to prevent contamination (or embarrassment) from outside clothing (you guys, there's a hole in my underwear, you guys). I wore those gowns for, I think, a grand total of seven minutes, before being asked to come down the hall to the radiation unit, and then take the gowns off and show off my unit.

Okay, so my unit wasn't technically the focus of attention, but it was definitely out there.

Then I had my dosimeters placed. Since it was my first treatment, radiation dosimeters (dose meters) were placed on various parts of my anatomy, in order to gauge the received dose, particularly in certain, shall we say, 'hard to reach' areas? So. One on my chin. One on my chest. One on my calf. One in each seam of thigh and groin, nestled nicely (or nicely nestled, whichever you prefer). One on my perineum (that means taint). And, for effect, one between the crack of my buttocks. Guess which ones made me giggle. Go on, guess. "You're naturally shielded there." Direct quote.

Then I was given a pair of leaded goggles to wear, which was substantially less amusing than the placing of the dosimeters. I'll wear the goggles for the first three treatments, in order to reduce the dose that might potentially pass through my eyelids. Being a fan of vision, I shall adhere to this plan readily.

After that, I was posed, and two pieces of styrofoam were brought out. These were used to create scrotal separation from the thigh, by which I mean they were crammed twixt my sack and my legs, for lift and body. Okay, mostly for lift, to get them rads in there. 

Dosimeters placed, goggles on, styrofoam wedged, full-frontally posed, the attending medical personnel, all very nice, friendly ladies, retired to the comfort and relative safety of the control room, and I was given my first zaps. Said zaps lasted about thirty seconds, then the emitter was adjusted, I got a little bit more, and then I was asked to turn around, so that they could do my back. The ladies returned, and it was at this point that one more piece of styrofoam was added to the arrangement. Guess where they put it. Go on, guess. If you said 'buttcrack', congratulations! You're a winner! 

I giggled a lot, which the nurses enjoyed. I don't know if my reactions are massively atypical, but medical professionals always seem to find me to be a breath of fresh ass. Air. Breath of fresh air.

They left again; more zaps. After my back was done, they came back in to remove the various taped-on dosimeters. Some came away with hair. Guess which ones. Go on, guess. And then, I was sent back out to the changeroom by a highly amused and smiling set of awesome medical peeps, to be wheeled back to my temporary home. 

I laughed all the way back to the Lodge, and then it was just about time for supper.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.